How can you get obeyed without raising your voice ?
With children, it is difficult to strike a balance between being too strict and too lax. You don't want your child to be a child king, or too oppressed ? Here are some tips on how to create order without creating a monarchy !
We've relied on 100 façons de se faire obéir of Anne Bacus. It's not always easy to assert one's authority, especially since neither parent wants to be the "Dark One".
To do this, assert your authority by maintaining the "No", while at the same time making it positive :
- "No but," is the idea to practice. The message must be positive, and explain the refusal of the child's request. Example : A child wants to buy a teddy bear in a supermarket. "No, because you already have stuffed animals at home waiting for you. If you want, we can play with them when we get home and you can show them to me! " By finding an alternative, you still satisfy the child's desire.
- Give him the opportunity to choose. You are firm in your tone, your child won't eat in the living room. But, you can allow him to eat in the kitchen or the garden. It will be all the more satisfying for him to choose for himself.
- The "No" must be common to both parents. If one accepts while the other refuses, the child will be confused and will be able to take advantage of the situation and have blurred bearings.
Explain why it's not possible to give in to his desires, his whims. It is necessary to dialogue in order to agree and find common ground :
- Use a personal formula, a language between you and him that will make him feel close to you. The child will not feel attacked. Example : "I don't understand when you cry, I'll let you calm down in my arms if you want". The tone must be calmed.
- Don't hesitate to ask him how he feels. Why is he shouting ? Why doesn't he want to eat ? Be patient and wait to hear his argument.
The child-parent relationship must evolve in a stable and healthy environment :
- Set a good example for the child as an adult. Do not say bad words, be polite, the child will try to imitate you.
- If the child does not trust you, he will be more violent and in denial. This is why you should not hesitate to compliment him when he does a good deed, when he succeeds in something, or when he behaves well.
- To avoid misunderstandings that can confuse the child, ask him to repeat what has been said, to see if he has understood the situation and what should not be done again. Have them explain again if they seem hesitant. After that, you can start again on a good footing, while congratulating him for having understood his mistake on his own.
Living in a safe environment with limits. The child will seek to test his limits and yours at all costs. If his environment is not distinctly limited, he will look for the cracks.
- To do this, let him express himself. The child needs to verbalize and express his needs and desires. Example : Peter wants to write on the wall with his new chalk. If he hasn't already done so, offer to test his new chalk on the floor outside while explaining that on the wall is forbidden.
- Work with a reward system when given objectives are achieved. The child will be motivated to do activities that he would have categorically refused before.
- Trust your child! So, even if he has an idea in the back of his mind, as long as it's not dangerous, don't forbid him to do everything !
The child's points of reference are complementary to his obedience :
- We must create habits as early as possible so that the child can have reference points. For example, after the meal, the child must brush his teeth to be able to play.
- But to be well adjusted and avoid any problems, the clock and the timer are ideal to animate the time of certain activities, or to speed things up. In a playful form such as a mission, the parent can suggest to the child to get dressed in 10 minutes. In return he will choose the story. It is also a way to anticipate, to not confused the child : "When the clock is at 8 o'clock, we will leave".
- And the most important thing is the establishment of rules of life. These can be posted, and the child can identify with them if he does something stupid, or not. He will be aware of what he can do, what he must do, and what he cannot do.